Dear world (and any smug, self-important, pretentious, puffed pigeon pillocks who scuttle through it)
I invite you, again, to lean over me simultaneously spouting demands and defamatory remarks about my intelligence.
I ask you to kindly spit in my face, again, as you bubble into an apoplectic rage because my intelligence does not extend to understanding how important you are.
I welcome your degrading comments about how my obvious lack of intelligence is linked to a) being a woman, b) my nation of origin and c) my choice of occupation.
Thank you for advising me what your job title is, where you live, what kind of car you drive and how your are too busy to tie your own shoes. Thank you for telling me this – twice. I needed you to repeat it, just to make sure I picked up all the finer details. Unfortunately, I am unable to tie your shoes for you because I’m too dumb to know how – sorry, that topic wasn’t covered in my tertiary or post tertiary studies; but I did earn an advanced degree in ‘how to be treated like an imbecile and smile’.
I hope that in confronting my inherent stupidity, you have not ruined your day.
I also hope belittling me has made you feel better and established your dominance within a self-developed hierarchy of social importance. I know that I, and the other 15 people who witnessed your pea-cocking, certainly felt the power of your domineering personality and overwhelming intelligence come to bear.
I look forward to meeting you again someday.
All the best
PS I’d suggest always eating and drinking at home. That, or stop being an @$$hole. Just a suggestion.
Buy a packet of seeds – potted colour or wildflowers preferable.
On your way home from work, sprinkle into an ugly public space for someone to enjoy come spring. (Note: this public space must be somewhere something can grow…obviously)